Yooooooooooo, heads up, my freaks. I’m feeling weird and thinky, and we all know that can be a caulderous combo. So Ima head into it. NOW
Recently, this guy from my past messaged me on my personal facebook account. Nothing weird about that, but I hadn’t logged into it since forrrreevvvveerrrrrr, and then when I did, it’s boring as batshit. Just same ol shite over and over and over and over and over ad infinitum. Ridiculous how it’s premise is, “Me” based and ego-driven. I must show off all my achievements, or look how weird I am, or I’m so relatable, I need attention, give it to me. Side note askew please. Ugh, you can tell I have a
love/hate relationship with the social networking platform.
Anyway, I didn’t reply to his messages straight away, I was really busy, had a bad day, and didn’t feel like talking to anybody. Especially someone that I associate from past trauma. I still remember the time he pushed me down the stairs cos his old lady told him to, cos she was jealous of me all the time, but was soooo passive aggressive about it, that she masqueraded as my ‘best friend.’ Took me years to realize how fake she really was, and it wasn’t till he told me that she was jealous of me for years, did it all click into place.
It sounds like days of our lives. Cos yeh, it’s sordid af. This bitch fucked the whole town while she was dating him because she’s fucked in the head, and the jealous of me thing. I swear to fuck, I look back in my memory, and watch as any male that even looked in my general direction, she had to fuck. Like, I never saw anything in anyone at all. I’ve wondered for a long time if I was an old soul trapped in the modern world; I wanted eternal love, in my self, and not just one night stands. ANd yet, this is what society continually presents itself as; anyone else is doomed to feel forever inferior.
Bare with me, I’m getting to the crux of my recent musings.
This person, we’ll call him, Joaquin, continued to message me, with lame excuses of not being able to find other avenues of communication, then thinking I had blocked him. Then created a new account just to message me. Like psycho? YESSSSSS Who the fuck does this? Then I remember good ol bitch face, and all the times I blocked her crazy-ass harassing messages from her constantly over the last five years, after I’ve specified I don’t want anything to do with her anymore. She goes and makes a new account, then messages me. Then she uses her 8 year old kids’ account. It’s loopy as shit, and I’ve blocked, to count, seven of her profiles.
I get it, though, cos he needs a friend, and I know that if I want to talk to someone, I’d be upset if they didn’t respond. However, I’m very quiet about it. No one will ever hear my feelings, and yet this person is very aggressive in demonstrating their emotions, almost freely. Like every time I talk to him, I’m always surprised how angry he is, like it’s no big deal. Like everyone expresses their anger so freely, without any consequences. This gives me a complex. Maybe he’s got white male privilege going on??
But, the obsessing over me thing, not just from him. AS he’s told me that he liked me for years, but she would never allow us to talk, cos of her jealousies (Back then, I was never aware of it. My stupid naivety kills me sometimes.). He’s not the only old ‘friend’ that years later have confessed some intense crush on me, to the point of them moving their family around half a country, just so they could see me again (THis was before facebook made it easy for everyone to stalk each other.).
WHat’s with these people? I admit, the other person is more mature, and we’ve moved past some icky stuff, and we did have some awesome convos in my front yard. But he is a Virgo. Virgo’s are OK with me.
But these other two main weirdos in this tale perplex me no end. Like I’m not even special. I don’t know how many times I’ve mentioned I don’t want attention. I have no need of it. Like, I have cognitive dissonance towards attention directed at me. The only attention I need is from my close loved ones, I am content, and it’s why they are in my life.
Most of the fights that this bitch and I had about were of her getting angry at me for making other friends, and enjoying conversations with other people. Like she couldn’t handle it and I would tell her to fuck off. A few weeks later we’d be friends again, but she always blamed me for doing something wrong, it was never her.
I ponder, on a regular, does anyone REALLY know how to parent [Insert –
But did you try parenting?]. How to raise good, kind human beings without anger or jealousy and control issues? Because I still see all this bullshit today. My own child experiences anger from friends, because they aren;t playing with them that day exclusively., having a mental breakdown. Yet, I know for a fact, if my kid expressed themselves in the same way, they would be punished somehow. Or told to get over it, or shut up.
Sometimes I have infinity compassion for most of the population, but sometimes, evil humans come along, and I want to vomit everywhere.