My deep, sweet love smothers me in her kisses. They are sad kisses on my cheek, my lips, my eyelids. I tell her I have to go. “Where?” she asks me. I don’t know. “My fathers’,” I reply stumbilly. She accepts this, thank fuck.
On the front porch of my girlfriends house I stand. I breath deep the fresh morning country air. A bird – call catches my ear and my eye is directed up a gum tree, though I see no bird.
I must’ve been standing on her porch for about ten minutes, doing nothing. Just breathing. Starring. Thinking nothing. Finally, I get into my car, sadly, And I just drive. The sadness drives me to a fuel station, than it drives me to my house. Here, I have a shower, change into clean clothes, hazzily. I cannot put my finger on it, but something is suppressing my heart.
Love = Sadness = Depression = Escape!
Its been two days. I’m atop a cliff, up the coast somewhere. It is all vague to me. Even though the sun is out, my heart is not. I have been here for hours. I’ve eaten nothing for three days.
Slowly, slowly, as the sun sets, my thoughts sort themselves out.
I drive back to my town. And to my fathers’ I see first. His concern for me appears in the form of wholesome food. I pick at my plate. He asks me no questions. He understands.
The next day, there is a message for me to call someone. It’s a call for reality. I start to feel depressed aagin, and is making me unhappy, for today I actually had a glimmer of a smile on my face while I ate breakfast.
I return home, so I am not disheartening my father any more than I have. Other calls come thru offering their most sincerly felt condolances.
The sadness, the depression. It was to prepare me, so that I could let go easily.